Let's Get In A Hurry...To Slow Down

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to be a teenager, I just thought that stage of life was the coolest. Then when I became a teen, I wanted to be college-aged. When I was in college, I dreamed about how awesome it would be to be living on my own and making all my own decisions.

By the time, I'd hit those 20-something years where I was living on my own and making my own decision, those childhood years started looking pretty good. 

Crazy how we always want to be at the stage of life that we are not.

I find myself doing that in parenting.

This morning, we ran into a few hiccups that got me behind schedule and I mumbled under my breath, "I can't wait til these kids grow up." 

Then I thought about it. Is that what I really want? 

Lots of parents say they can't wait til their kids get out of diapers. They can't wait til they get out of kindergarten so they'll be more independent. Then they rush the college years along so they won't have a young adult in their pocket anymore.  They long for the day when they are out of the house so they can enjoy their own life.

Parenthood stages change so quickly. It's really a shame that us parents start to want to rush stages along. My oldest will be 10 next month, I so clearly remember him being a toddler. Time flies and so does our children's growth. 

What's the sense in wanting our children to hurry up and grow up so we can get on with our lives? To me, this is my life: mommyhood and the angst, anger and frustration that goes along with it. 

But I do sometimes find myself wishing for the next stage for the kids. It would be so awesome if the 10 year old was a teen and could drive. However, I know there are parenting woes that go along with that stage as well. 

Sometimes I want to zip past this stage where the five year old is drawing mustaches on his face and getting frustrated because he can't keep up with his big brother. But I know that when he's a tween his friends will become more important than me and I'll have another set of parenting issues to deal with. 

Five year old with his drawn on mustache

In wanting them to hurry to the next stage, lately I'm been finding myself telling them to hurry up in every little task. "Hurry up and brush your teeth." "Quickly finish your dinner." "Get in the car NOW."

What's my rush? I better let these little ones savor their childhood..it's the only one they get. And I certainly won't get a second chance at parenting them as kids either.

So I'm making a concerted effort to slow down. How about you? 

Born In the Middle...And Born To Shine

The summer before kindergarten

Tomorrow this little guy will be a kindergartner. 

I can tell he's excited...and very nervous. 

I'd sort of discounted the nervous part because we've done this before. We'll, I've done this before...with my oldest son. But that's not the same thing.  Then it hit me, how middle kids get lost in the shuffle of been-there-done-that or this-is-the-last-time-I'll-be-doing-this so let me make it special for the youngest. Oldest children get all the awards while the baby of the family gets all the love. What's left for the middle child?

We don't want to do that to him. 

So I'm answering every question with great attention. 

Giving weight to his every single one of his concerns.

The other day he asked, "Will everyone know I'm the little brother?" 

I surely don't want him to get labeled younger brother or middle child. I want his light to shine big and bright. Never do I want his light to be diminished because he's standing in his big brother's shadow.

I told him I'm sure some will students will know who his older brother is. 

"What matters is that you are the best you that you can be," I told him. 

As a younger brother, I know he finds security in seeking approval and guidance from his big brother who's already been there and navigated what can look like scary waters to a five year old.

He's got his own path to ignite.  He has a light in him that cannot and won't be dimmed....not on my watch. He needs to know that he can shine individually.

And I plan to fan his flame as best I can.

Daddies, Be Good To Your Daughers

Chrysta and Christopher. 

I love the relationship that is developing between these two. She's so different with him than she is with me. She's daddy's little girl.

Already I'm seeing so much of him in her. Her persistence. Her fight. Her sense of humor. Her intelligence. I pray that what is developing between them grows bigger and brighter. Most importantly, I hope there is never a breach in their relationship. 

I know all too well the daddy-daughter breach. I had one with my dad. I wrote about it here.  And while God mended what was broken, I know there was some internal damage I suffered because of it. I never want that for this little girl. 

In her book, After Forever Ends Melodie Ramone wrote “I had a daddy, didn't I? He wasn't perfect and he certainly wasn't the one I'd dreamed he would have been, but I had one all the same. And I'd love him as much as I'd hated him, hadn't I? All that distance, all that time wasted, but the fact that he'd inspired such passion in me meant something in itself. I can honestly say now that I think that's special. Screwed up and turned inside out, we were special him and me, and I am so thankful that I can say that I had a daddy and that he mattered. All his faults and failures mean nothing to me now.” 

I could have written that paragraph. As imperfect as my daddy was, his mess-ups mean nothing now. However, his love meant (and still means) everything to me. Love truly covers a multitude of sins.

Girls need their daddies...and more than most women care to admit. It's from our daddies that we learn how to appreciate our beauty (inside & out) without throwing it in people's faces because beauty has already been affirmed by our daddies. With daddies we learn to navigate the mysterious waters of masculinity. Girls draw conclusions about what men are like from their fathers.  It's with daddies that we learn that self worth comes from being ourselves instead of what we can offer. It's from our daddies that us daughters learn what protection looks and feels like.    

My husband is by no means a perfect man. But I know that his love for our daughter will always be perfect and I pray that she knows this...and learns to rest in this truth.

"So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do."

-from John Mayer's song "Daughters" 

Parenting is Not For Punks...Or the Selfish

You never realize how much you love your children until you have to sacrifice for them. Parenting is not for punks...or the selfish.

We sacrifice those pair of shoes because the little people need shoes and uniforms and the list goes on. 

We give up that girls night out because a child is sick. 

Or cut back on some splurges because of tuition and daycare costs. 

That's the situation we found ourselves in last week. Life with 3 kids living in Southern California is expensive. Two kids in private school and a baby in daycare adds up. So we were faced with a hard choice: pulling the boys out of school. The decision made my husband and I sick to our stomachs. The nine-year-old LOVES school. We love the school. The environment is great and the boys have thrived there educationally and spiritually. My eldest is the kid who has cried on the last day of school every year (except for last year--miraculously). School brings him extreme joy. Needless to say, it was not any easy choice.

Picking up the phone to call his school to un-enroll them was like pulling a gray cloud over my own head. When the office assistant asked why I had to tell her we just couldn't afford it anymore with the addition of kid #3.

 "We offer tuition assistance," she said. "Would you like to apply?"

That question was like a little sliver of sunshine. 

"Yes!" 

It was a nerve wracking three days while we waited for the answer. And when the answer came, that gray cloud came back. We didn't get approved for the amount we requested. 

*Sigh* 

However, a second look at the numbers in the budget revealed that we could do it...but not without a sacrifice. Today, the boys tuition was paid and all without them knowing the angst that went along with it.

"Parenting is not for sissies. You have to sacrifice and grow up." - Jillian Michaels

Us and the little people who we joyfully sacrifice for.

It had never crossed my mind to ask about tuition assistance, but it crossed the office assistant's mind to bring it up. Sometimes God drops little surprises across our paths to remind us that He's looking out for us. 

What's Good In My 'Hood...

Three kids = busy. And about four unfinished blog posts. 

Here's a little of what we've been up to. 

Nine year old won a fish at a family fun day at the baby's daycare. Imagine my surprise when I saw him with it. That fish is his responsibility and so far he's stepped up to the plate.

Meet Gubbles.

Baby girl has been a dancing/walking machine lately.  Click the mic in the top  left corner if sound is not playing.

Daddy enrolled the boys in Jiu-Jitsu class since a guy teaches it at his gym. They love it so far.  They're learning self-defense and having fun doing it.

Baby girl caught a wicked cold and the boys were determined not to catch it. 

Baby girl didn't want to stop playing in this circus tent from IKEA so my sister did what any good aunt would do. She bought it. Now we have a big circus tent in our den. 

What's good in your 'hood? 

On Raising A Daughter In the Age of Love and Hip Hop and Basketball Wives....

This little girl of mine always has her eye on me. She watches what I do, how I speak and is starting to imitate things I do. She's studying me intently...even at 13 months old.

Already, I can feel the burden of being a good example to her.  It's a good burden, but not one I take lightly. I want to live it out in a practical way for her.  

In his book, Family First Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family : Dr. Phil McGraw says: "The most powerful role model in any child's life is the same-sex parent. It's a fact that children learn vicariously by observing the behavior of others and noting the consequences of their actions. They watch what happens to family members when they succeed or fail and those experiences become a reference for how they live. This is known as modeling."

I grew up with some great women to model myself after. Women who were awesome wives and mothers. Women who were successful in their careers. Most importantly, women who loved and LIVED Jesus Christ.

They taught me about: 

Holiness.

Purity.

Modesty. 

Biblical womanhood. 

These are not popular topics...even among today's "Christian" women. In fact, if you wholeheartedly believe in and live out these traits you'll likely be labeled legalistic or just old-fashioned. Instead of turning to the Bible as the blueprint for what it means to be a woman, many turn to television, magazines, their friends or where their heart leads them.

A lot of women today are living out womanhood according to Love and Hip Hop Atlanta or Basketball Wives or __________ insert any reality show where the women fight, cuss and are wearing the latest designer clothes while doing it. Many of these shows focus on women's lives where:

Sex and money rule.

Marriage is undervalued. 

Fighting, cussing is the norm.

Career trumps home. 

And if you've seen an episode of any of these shows, you can add your items to the list.

While the world is parading their definition of womanhood in our faces, I want to present biblical womanhood to this little girl of ours as best I can. I want her to know these things:

• According to Genesis 1, a woman was design to be a "helper" which is nothing to look down upon. Today's women look at being a helper as a second-class citizen. Even was not created above or below Adam; she was complementary. She was created from his rib (which is a strong and protective bone) and taken from his side. Adam was given a fitting companion. Eve was "just right" for him. women, we are not The Help i.e. nannies, maids or cooks, we are divinely created and gifted complements to the men we marry. Most women I know don't want to be a helper to a man. They want to be the leader, but that's not how we are created.
• The value of purity, modesty and chastity. These days if you are a virgin until marriage something must be wrong with you and "trying before you buying" is the norm.
• Submission is not a bad word and there are limits to submission (not to submit to abuse or sin).
• The value of inner beauty that lasts forever.
• How to cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit. These days women have abandoned these traits in favor of being brash, argumentative and loud in an effort to be heard and not be viewed as a pushover. They're quick to jump in your face if you cross them wrong and have unteachable spirits. However, having a gentle and quiet spirit does not mean being a wimp. It means we can be confident but not forceful. Outspoken but humble. And slow to speak, communicating Scriptual truth and wisdom.

While this list is counter-cultural, I hope to instill in this little girl, who has been gifted to us, the courage to live life against the grain at times. Of course, I've got a long road ahead of me. I don't want to raise a basketball wife or a lady of love and hip-hop. I don't even want to raise a good girl. I'm shooting for raising a Godly girl. May I not just preach this to her, but be a living example as well.

"Our conduct has a direct influence on how people think about the gospel. The world doesn't judge us by our theology; the world judges us by our behavior. People don't necessarily want to know what we believe about the Bible. They want to see if what we believe makes a difference in our lives. Our actions either bring glory to God or misrepresent His truth."

--Carolyn Mahaney from the book Feminine Appeal

10 Things I Want My Black Boys To Know

As a mom to two little black boys, I face a dilemma moms raising other races will not likely deal with: the realization that no matter how bright and educated my sons grow up to be, some members of society will always see them as a threat. Scary and sad, especially in light of the Trayvon Martin incident.

I'm always aware that I can't help them learn how to walk through this world as a black man...that's something their father and other black men will have to school them on. I hear black women say they can raise black boys into men better than a man. I dare to disagree, but that's a whole 'nother talk show. Lately, I've been finding myself trying to make my boys conscious of the fact that they always need to be aware of their surroundings. As black boys, they will have to develop a sixth sense that many other races don't have to.

While I can't entirely help them navigate the ins and outs of being a man, I can teach them how to be gentlemen. As a mother I do have influence and there are other ways I can shape them.

Here are 10 things I want my boys to learn as they walk through life:

1. Get wisdom! And use it. "Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment."  Proverbs 4:7 (NLT)

2. Avoid adulteress women who flatter and lead to destruction. I want them to learn the difference between an upright woman and loose women who as the Bible says: "have been the ruin of many; Her house is the road to the grave. Her bedroom is the den of death." Sex without strings always has strings attached.

3. Be a gentleman...always. Open doors, offer your seat, pull out chairs, walk curbside. And for the women who adamantly shun such offers, be a gentleman and respect that as well. But at least offer. 

4. Learn to drive a stick shift. You never know when the moment will arise when you will need to. 

5. Watch what you watch. What you entertain with your eyes will continue to play in your head and your heart will follow. 

6. Keep your word. Be honest. No one likes a liar. 

7. Women will judge you by your confidence, shoes and cleanliness. That's just the way the world works. So make sure they are all on point. 

8. Swag is nice, but success is better. My husband always says he doesn't care if the boys are nerds because it's usually the nerdy ones who make it to the top. 

9. You will have to learn to navigate two worlds: a black world and the mainstream world. The earlier you learn this the better.

10. Finding a good wife leads to a double bonus for you (treasure AND favor from God)--so choose wisely. And once you get her, don't you let her go. "The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord." Proverbs 18:22 (NLT) 

If you're mother to a black boy, what would you add to the list? 

Buckling Up For A Fantastic 3rd Ride

It's been an amazing and exhausting first year with baby number 3. I blinked and she's a year old today. I clearly remember labor with her. Very hard. But very much worth it. So looking forward to what the rest of our lives is like with her. 

Below is a video of her fabulous first year. 

(For those of you reading in a feed reader, here's a link if the video doesn't show.) 

Surpises Sometimes Come In Bundles of Pink

Life takes us by surprise and orders us to move toward the unknown -even when we don't want to and when we think we don't need to.”

― Paulo Coelho

I like to call this little pink bundle the child of our “Abraham and Sarah” years.  I was not expecting to be pregnant again. Definitely not at my age even though I had a handful of friends who had just had babies.

I have to admit, at first I was angry. Scared. Nervous. Sure, I’d already had two boys and was stepmom to a teenage daughter, but a baby? And I was sure it was another boy. I wasn’t sure I had enough energy or strength to deal with another one of them. Plus, I'd hit a groove with parenthood and a baby would upset all that.

Then the news came (after two ultrasounds) that there was a baby girl on the way….and my heart softened…and I got excited. And what was a surprise turned into a gift that came right on time.

With her, I feel like the parent I wish I would have been the first time around. I don’t feel swayed by what other people think I should do and I had no problem telling the doctors and nurses what I wanted when I went into labor.

During my first pregnancy, I reluctantly had an epidural only to be so numb I couldn’t even feel myself pushing.  (My 2nd came so fast there was no time to be admitted into the hospital, much less get any drugs). This time around, I refused an epidural. While the pain was intense, I felt much more in control and feel that things went much faster.

This little baby girl confirmed that I can trust my gut even when others are questioning it.

Our pink-bundled surprise has softened hearts, brought joy we never knew was missing and turned the boys from two wrestling maniacs into protective, caring, sensitive big brothers.

The thing about life’s surprises it that it forces you out of cruise control and makes you start driving. They can drive you to your knees or cause you to confront yourself as you never have before. 

Life's little surprises can unfold a new journey that we didn't know was possible.  

I’m loving the mother and person that this little baby is growing in me.