Re-Meeting My Younger Self & Stumbling On Old Journals

Last week, baby girl went through a drawer and pulled out all of my journals. As I went to put them back, I realized these books contained the story of my life dating back to high school. And I hadn't cracked them open in years. I did have some diaries from elementary school but I remember discovering them and tearing them up because I felt like what I was sharing was so foolish. I vowed to never do that again.

My love for journaling was sparked by the main character in the book Harriet the Spy. After I got hooked, journaling became a way to cope with life and capture it.

After stumbling upon those old journals, I spent the next few days (and late nights) flipping through the pages  because I just couldn't put some of them down. It felt like I was getting re-acquainted with an old friend. I laughed, hooray-ed, got misty-eyed and angry as I read through years past. And it was crazy how what I thought I remembered about some experiences was nothing like what I recorded in my journal. I went through my highs and lows. My hopes and fears. My crushes and heartbreaks and my eventual falling in love with my husband and birth of my first born. 

On one hand, it was pretty disheartening reading through those old journals because I've realized that though the years have changed, there are some things I'm still struggling with--namely fear. But it was also encouraging because there are many things--some fears included--that I've conquered.

Baby girl pulled out these journals but is too young to understand what's written in them. But what about the day when she does understand? I often wonder what my kids will think of me when reading through them.

A loser? Low self-esteem? A champion? Courageous? Ambitious?

Probably all of the above.

Just thinking about it now makes me scared. See, there goes that fear issue again. *Sigh* A part of me wants to leave them behind for them. A greater part wants to burn them all.

I'm still stumped on what to do...

One thing I am sure of is I want to get back in the groove of journaling. Spilling out what's inside has always proven therapeutic for me. And these days, I could use some self-therapy. 

In the meantime, I'll just tuck my younger self away until next time.

A Lesson in Gratitude and Grace

Last week was the Christmas musical at my son's school. My kindergartner gave us all quite a chuckle when he bowed...after every single song. See the video for yourself below. My son is the one in the middle sporting the black and red sweater. (Email subscribers and feed readers, if you can't see the video, click here.)

While we all got a laugh, my friend got a lesson. Click here to read all about it on her blog: Ordinary Moments...Extraordinary Memories.

Wise Words For My Younger Self

Lately I've been struck with how fast time flies.

And how I don't look as young as I used to.

Care-free and 20-something 

The other  night our little family watched old videos. Little snippets of all our lives flashed before my eyes. Our engagement. Wedding day. Birth of our first born, second and then third. Smiles. Tears. And every thing in between. 

All of those moments of our lives make up the dash. That small piece of punctuation that is put on funeral programs and headstones to mark the time between our birth and death. 

Looking back, the dash goes by fast. 

Seems like my 20s were just a few years ago. But they stretch back farther than I care to admit. It was 12 years ago that I said "I do" and joined my life up with the man who would become the father of our three children. Everything was shiny and new. Coffee maker, sheets and furniture purchased to complete our home together were all unused and pristine.

Today, most of those items need to be replaced or have been replaced. We blinked and time sped by. In 10 more years, our oldest child will be the age that I thought was just  few years ago.

This dash I'm living is moving faster than I'm comfortable with and I think about what I would tell my younger self if I could.

I'd tell her: Do it!

Do every single thing you want to do. The thing you're fearful of. The thing you think you aren't equipped to do.

Just do it.

Do it afraid.

Do it even though you aren't as well-versed as you want to be.

Do it when you think there's not enough money.

Do it when you think you're not pretty enough....

or smart enough....

or wise enough.

Just do it.

Tell that girl or that guy that you like them. Or love them. Do the thing that's been stirring in your heart for years.

Do it alone if you have to.

But just do it.

These are the same words that I'll pass along to my children.

Life is too short to play it safe.

What's the one thing that you need to just do?

When Hurts Happen....

Yesterday baby girl come home with a scratch on her eye from another child accidentally scratching her. The whole incident was explained by the daycare and handled well. But I still was upset. First, I wanted to be mad at the daycare or the caregiver or the other child. Then I realized I was mad because I wasn't there to protect my baby.

Isn't that what most parents want to do? To shield their kids from every single hurt and all harm.

But it's not possible. And even if it was, what good would it do for our children?

Even in childhood, they need to learn now to deal with pain and disappointment. This year, there's a girl in my son's 4th grade class who cried every morning at drop off for the first two months. I kept wondering why a 9-year-old child would still be crying over something as mundane as school drop off. That's the kind of behavior you'd expect from a baby. Then, it made me wonder if her parents haven't equipped her to deal with hard situations or painful stuff. Makes me wonder if I'm crippling my children in any way.

My hope for my children is for them to be resilient and able to bounce back. Set backs in life can knock the wind out of you, but you don't have to let them keep you down and I surely hope that's mirrored in our home for these little ones we are raising.

Earlier this month, I had an incident with a co-worker where work I needed wasn't delivered on time because they were dealing with some personal issues. Very weighty personal issues. We all have had them or will have them if we haven't already.  

To see her buckle under the weight of it all and not even be able to perform at a standard she's used to was heartbreaking. Whatever is hurting her is so debilitating that she can't find the strength to fight back and keep her life in motion. 

Now don't get me wrong. We all need a time and place to sit and cry it out or scream it out or whatever the case. We need time to grieve whatever pain we've been through. Then comes the time when you dust yourself off and try again.  You CAN dust yourself off and try again.

While I love my babies, I certainly don't want to cripple them by over-sheltering them to the point where they can't cope when life is hard or something hurts them.  

What are some ways you are helping your kids to be resilient? 

Let's Get In A Hurry...To Slow Down

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to be a teenager, I just thought that stage of life was the coolest. Then when I became a teen, I wanted to be college-aged. When I was in college, I dreamed about how awesome it would be to be living on my own and making all my own decisions.

By the time, I'd hit those 20-something years where I was living on my own and making my own decision, those childhood years started looking pretty good. 

Crazy how we always want to be at the stage of life that we are not.

I find myself doing that in parenting.

This morning, we ran into a few hiccups that got me behind schedule and I mumbled under my breath, "I can't wait til these kids grow up." 

Then I thought about it. Is that what I really want? 

Lots of parents say they can't wait til their kids get out of diapers. They can't wait til they get out of kindergarten so they'll be more independent. Then they rush the college years along so they won't have a young adult in their pocket anymore.  They long for the day when they are out of the house so they can enjoy their own life.

Parenthood stages change so quickly. It's really a shame that us parents start to want to rush stages along. My oldest will be 10 next month, I so clearly remember him being a toddler. Time flies and so does our children's growth. 

What's the sense in wanting our children to hurry up and grow up so we can get on with our lives? To me, this is my life: mommyhood and the angst, anger and frustration that goes along with it. 

But I do sometimes find myself wishing for the next stage for the kids. It would be so awesome if the 10 year old was a teen and could drive. However, I know there are parenting woes that go along with that stage as well. 

Sometimes I want to zip past this stage where the five year old is drawing mustaches on his face and getting frustrated because he can't keep up with his big brother. But I know that when he's a tween his friends will become more important than me and I'll have another set of parenting issues to deal with. 

Five year old with his drawn on mustache

In wanting them to hurry to the next stage, lately I'm been finding myself telling them to hurry up in every little task. "Hurry up and brush your teeth." "Quickly finish your dinner." "Get in the car NOW."

What's my rush? I better let these little ones savor their childhood..it's the only one they get. And I certainly won't get a second chance at parenting them as kids either.

So I'm making a concerted effort to slow down. How about you?