11:36 p.m.

This morning I dropped this little busy blur off at daycare so I could get some work done. I knew I couldn't manage work and constantly telling her to stop jumping on the couch. I'm off for the week because the boys are out of school but I had some loose ends to tie up. Then, I got the chance to mop the floors before picking her up. I managed to get to the grocery store to go Thanksgiving shopping at 6:00 p.m. (just in time for the Ferguson announcement.) I decided not to check for the outcome on Twitter because I was sure I already knew the outcome. I was right. Discovered the grocery store was clean out of turkeys. Sad. But as I was checking out I saw a man with a turkey. Turns out, there were about 8 turkeys that they'd missed and put out just as I was leaving. I snagged a $32 turkey for $11. Came home, avoided the news but can't avoid the ache in my heart that our black boys deserve better.

This is about all I can manage today.

Waiting Sucks

Waiting sucks. Waiting rooms sucks. 

It's especially sucky for a highly impatient person like myself.  

So I sit here with my husband and hurry up and wait.  

And it's the not knowing that makes me anxious. Is my child okay? Are there complications? 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

We sit and eat.  

We sit and chat.  

We sit and laugh.  

We sit and scroll through our cell phones.  

And just below the surface, we both are concerned about our baby boy.  

Then when we aren't even looking, we hear the news that all is well. Our baby is in recovery. The procedure done and behind us.  

Concern and worry give way to sighs of relief and smiles.  

We never knew that parenting would bring us such angst over a common outpatient procedure.  

But when your baby is whisked away to an operating room for what is common and routine, it suddenly seems much bigger than that and makes you appreciate little things like health and insurance and life. 

Thanking God for being on the other side of waiting and for desires fulfilled.  

Dear Daddy {a letter of gratitude to my father on the 5th year anniversary of his death}

It’s been five years today since my father left us. Sometimes (a lot of times I just want to pick up the phone and talk to him). Since I can't phone him, the next best thing is writing a letter.

Dear Daddy,

The last week of your life was painful (for you and for us). For some reason, you couldn’t talk. Maybe it was the drugs to sedate you or maybe it was the pain. Either way, I wish that you would have been able to share some last words with us on what we now know was to be your death bed. I wanted you to hold our hands and tell us how much you loved us and how proud of me you were for this accomplishment and that one for bringing your grandchildren into the world. I knew all of these things already but I still wanted to hear them.

I wish you could have given voice to your greatest regret and your greatest pain. I realize that though I’d know you my whole life, there were still areas of your life that were a mystery. I’m so grateful when my mother shares little tidbits that I didn’t know.

What I do know is that you loved us in your own quiet, reserved way. At a time when many daddies abandoned homes, you were there, even if you weren’t perfect. You had to pave your way through boyhood, manhood and fatherhood because your own father wasn’t there. Thank you for what you were able to piece together.

And thank you for your smile that charmed strangers wherever we went. Your kindness to others built bridges that have endured for years. Still, people tell me "oh how much I loved your father and his beautiful smile." 

Thank you for a love of books, words and poetry. I remember a letter you wrote to me during my freshman year at Howard. You referred to us (those who love to pen words) as a unique breed. I never saw us that way until you penned those words. 

Thank you for playing music of every genre in the house. You expanded my musical horizons more than you know. I hear Marvin Gaye, Kenny Rankin, Carole King and The Commodores  and think of you. 

Thank you for having a soft spot for kids and the elderly. In an era when kids were seen but not heard, you took the time to hear and see us. I'll forever love you for that. 

Meeting grandson number two for the first time.

Thank you for loving your grandchildren immensely. I have such great stories to tell them about your deep and abiding love for them. I only wish you were here to see them growing up. We talk about you so much that even baby girl says your name when she sees a picture of you. You'd be so tickled by that.

We miss your contagious laughter, your knowledge of just about everything under the sun, your superb cooking, and of course, your smile.

I still haven't gone to visit your gravesite. Even after all these years, I'm just not ready. Maybe one day soon....Until then, I'll hold onto all the good memories and the love. Most of all, the love.

Forever,

Your first-born daughter.

Here's a video I made a year after his death. Click through if you can't see it.

~Remembering Daddy.... from NONSuperwoman on Vimeo.

Eleven Years Ago Today....

I gave birth to this guy.

I remember the fear. And the pain. And the overwhelming love.

So many emotions all rolled into one.

This one here is a reader, strong-willed, tender-hearted, driven and very funny. He's challenged me and grown me up in ways I never imagined. 

Happy 11th birthday Rhy!

He's been urging me to update, his birthday video, but until then....

Click here if video doesn't load.

Friendship: The Gift of Iron Sharpening Iron

If there's one area of my life that I'm blessed in it's the friendship arena. I've got a solid circle of friends who pray for and with me, encourage me and sharpen me. 

Today I had lunch with one of my dearest friends who was in town for a few days from Northern California. Our friendship spans more than 20 years. We've navigated the single life, went to college together, been in each other's weddings, and watched our children grow up. We laughed, giggled and caught up over lunch today. It was just what my weary soul needed. 

I'm convinced that good friends are beautifully wrapped gifts that God knew would bring us delight. 

"Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." - Proverbs 27:17

The beautiful thing about having a friend in the Lord is that we sharpen each other on all levels (spiritual included). And as we share the Word (which is sharper than two-edged sword), we are sharpening each other all the more. 

God designed us with the need for fellowship and friendship. I love how he brings people into our lives whose hearts get woven into ours.

Thank you Cre for bringing smiles to my Saturday! Love you friend!

When the Road to Nowhere Opens Up

When I first got married, I didn’t have a job. So I settled into the role of housewife. Settled is probably the wrong word. I accepted my plight as housewife. But all around were voices (husband NOT included)  telling me I needed to get a job, help provide for the household...blah, blah, blah. By the time our first son came along two years later, I had happily accepted my role as stay-at-home mom. This after countless weeks, months even, searching for a job, any job. When one didn’t come, I realized I needed to stop stressing myself out over something that wasn’t happening.

One day while at home with my son, I received a phone call from the president of a large ministry here in Los Angeles. She had just had lunch with my former boss, who had recommended me for a job that she desperately wanted to fill. She asked if I’d be interested in the position. Above the din of two-year-old squeals. I agreed to meet her for an interview.

The interview went swimmingly. There was a daycare on site and the pay was far more than I would have ever asked for. And it was doing exactly what I wanted to do.

All that time I’d spent agonizing  over looking for a job just a few years before and here was a job that came knocking on my door.

O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.  You know when I sit or stand. When far away you know my every thought.  You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am. You know what I am going to say before I even say it.  You both precede and follow me and place your hand of blessing on my head. Psalm 139:1-5 Living Bible

God went before me and prepared the way for the job. He set up the lunch meeting. He put it on my new boss’ heart to tell my old boss about the job opening and he brought me to the conversation with a good referral. All the while, I was at home, oblivious to the path being charted ahead of me.

Even all these years later, the course of events blows my mind.

God knew that when I had a child my desire was to stay home with my baby and I got the chance to do just that. He knows everything about me...every single desire, even the unspoken ones.

Lately, I’ve been forgetting this fact about God: that He paves paths where none previously existed. That He goes behind us to make sure nothing is left behind as we travel upon that path.

The King James version of verse 5 says: Thou hast beset me behind and before. Beset comes from the Hebrew word tsuwr which means  to shut in or secure.

God doesn’t just lay a path out for us. He goes with us as He protects us and guides on the way so we aren’t led astray. If you are living for Jesus, don’t ever think that you are wandering aimlessly through this life. There’s a path with your name on it. Just when it looks like the bridge is broken and there’s no way over, He lights the way and shows us just what He had in store for us all along.

*photo credit Viktor Hanacek

Parents, We Are DoorKeepers To The World: Ushering Kids Into Endless Possibilities

As a mother, I realize I can shut the door of possibility or swing it wide open for my children. 

I pray that I always do the latter.

Looking back over my childhood, I see that my parents did a good job of holding the door open for me to experience new things. I think of a neighbor who lived across the street from us. At the time, she and her husband didn't have kids, so she took me under her wing. She would frequently invite me over to make gingerbread houses, allow me to explore her backyard as she explained all the blooming flowers in her backyard to me and would set up craft stations for us. My favorite was a hand-painted handkerchief that I made for my dad one year for Father's Day. We would often trek to the library where she would let me linger and then she'd allow me check out an armful of library books on her card. It was a rich experience and one that I wouldn't have had if my parents not let me hang out with her.

When I was in 11th grade, I joined a newly-formed college prep program called The Tanner Project (now known as the Willie B. Adkins Project.) We met every Monday after school for about three hours and worked on SAT prep, had guest speakers, seminars, learned about college life, how to fill out college forms, etiquette, how to dress for success and a host of other great information.

Every Spring, the predominately African-American staff (headed by educator Willie B. Adkins) rounded up the students for a tour of historically black colleges and universities.  In my two years with the program, I visited Alabama, Georgia, Maryland, Washington, D.C.  with college visits to campuses like Spelman, Tuskegee, Alabama State University, Howard and Morgan State University to name a few.

The experience was invaluable to say the least. And it was all offered for free.  I was already on the college track due to my own goals and lots of prodding from my parents, but this program exposed me to places I might not have considered.

The staff worked tirelessly to provide us with experiences that would make us well-rounded individuals and contributing members of society. And we still keep in touch to this day. As the first group of students to come out of the Tanner Project, we hold a special place in the staff's hearts and the feeling is mutual.

By the time, I was a senior in high school, I knew exactly what I wanted to do: major in journalism at Howard University and write for a major publication like Essence Magazine. On our college tour during the spring of my senior year, we visited schools in D.C. and Maryland. While on our tour of Howard, myself and few other of the students got to stop off at the admissions office to find out if we'd been accepted. Oh, the joy when I found out that I was. Talk about walking on cloud 9!

On the tour, we also hit most of D.C.'s historic stops: the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument, the Capitol and even got to see the inner workings of the Congressional Black Caucus. 

Me at 17 years old on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on the National Mall.

I got a front row seat to seeing that the world was a much bigger place than the small California town I lived in and I got to see that the possibilities for my future were endless. And none of this would have happened had my parents not given me wings to fly.

I pray that I do the same for my children. Yesterday on a talk show, I saw a mother talking about how she didn't want her 18-year-old daughter to go to college because she doesn't feel safe letting her go. We do our kids such a disservice when we smother them. How can they grow into world-changers if they are chained to the home front?

A few weeks ago, my six-year-old told me he wanted to visit China so he could have real Chinese food and see what it's like there. And I told him we are going to write that down on a goal sheet for him and make that happen. 

Do we have the resources to go to China? No. But that doesn't mean the resources aren't out there to get him (and me!) to China. 

The world and our view of our possibilities becomes much bigger when we are allowed to get out into it. May I always swing the door wide open from my home to the world for these children I'm raising.

Much thanks to Willie Adkins, his wife Maryann Adkins, Nona Cohen and Rhoda Dawson for all they poured into me and my fellow students during those years we were in the program.

Here's an older article about The Willie B. Adkins (Tanner Project) and information about the program in general if you'd like to contribute in any way. 

My Top 5 Favorite Books of All Time

Once I finish  book, I'm usually done with it and don't look back. Most books I've read I can't tell you what they are about. When I open the pages, I'm immersed in the book and once the book ends, that's it. I don't have much a memory for books, except for the ones I'm about to share. 

These books have impacted me far after I've closed the book. Even now, I can remember lines from these books and how they made me feel as I was reading them. Some of them I read more than 20 years ago. Indeed, carrying around words and feelings from a book is a mark of its greatness for me.

Here are my favorite books (in no particular order)

The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison: The story of 11-year-old Pecola Breedlove who wishes for blue eyes so that she'll be seen as beautiful. The story is hauntingly heartbreaking but written with such beauty and prose that it's hard to put down. I read this book my freshman year at Howard University and still the story sits with me. 

One of my favorite passages showcasing Morrison's exquisite imagery: 

"Pecola stood a little apart from us, her eyes hinged in the direction in which Maureen had fled. She seemed to fold into herself, like a pleated wing. Her pain antagonized me. I wanted to open her up, crisp her edges, ram a stick down the hunched and curving spine, force her to stand erect and spit the misery out on the streets. But she held it in where it could lap up into her eyes." 

God's Chosen Fast by Arthur Walls: I bought this book shortly after I got saved at the age of 18.  It's a practical handbook on the subject of fasting that I have read many times over.

Your God Is Too Safe by Mark Buchanan: I also found this book early in my Christian walk and it was just what I needed at the time. I knew that God is good, but what I didn't realize is that He isn't always safe...and that's okay because He's taking us on the adventure of our lives. God is loving but He's unpredictable (just as He should be.)

One of my favorite passages:

The safe God asks nothing of us, gives nothing to us. He never drives us to our knees in hungry, desperate praying and never sets us on our feet in fierce, fixed determination. He never makes us bold to dance. The safe god never whispers in our ears anything but greeting card slogans and certainly never asks that we embarrass ourselves by shouting out from the rooftop. "

In His Face: A Prophetic Call to Renewed Focus: By Bob Sorge: I got hip to Bob Sorge from worship leader Judith Christie McAllister. I used to work for she and her husband and she told me about his ministry. After hearing some of his messages and his testimony, I was hooked. His voice was damaged at a time when God was using him mightily to preach. This book urges readers to keep a spiritual focus in a world that wants us to do anything but that.

One of my favorite parts of the book: "The enemy always accuses us in the first person, as though there were our own thoughts, when in reality  they are his thoughts injected into our minds. Let me tell you why the enemy steps up his accusations when you try to worship the Lord. It's because he knows that worship is transformational."

Reposition Yourself: Living Life Without Limits by T.D. Jakes: This book is just good practical advice. Yes, Jakes is one of the greatest preachers alive, but this book is not sermon-based but for real life. Awesome read that I want to dive back into now.

A favorite passage: "Mediocrity places the blinders of the mundane on you so that you cannot see beyond the trials of the present moment- the bills, the kids, the stress, the illness, the breakup. And if it can keep you preoccupied with its latest dart of potential poison, then it can wear you down to where you accept the poison as the only potion available. You end up feeling like there are no options, no choices, no resources to defend yourself with and use to overcome adversity and achieve victory."

What are some of your favorite books?

currently: november 2014

Enjoying: a rare moment: a quiet house after a day of kid chaos....The kids are all sleep. Ssssh.

(Feed and email readers: click here if the above image doesn't show up).

Ready: for bed at 9:22 p.m. I've been staying up way too late and regretting it in the morning.

Planning: birthday and Christmas lists in my head. The boys have birthdays in November and December.

Gearing up: for Parent Teacher conferences on Friday. I enjoy hearing how the teachers see our kids.

Looking forward to: Fred Hammond's new CD I Will Trust.

Listening to: Laura Hackett Park's Love Will Have Its Day on repeat. Glorious worship music

Watching: a Steffany Gretzinger worship playlist someone created on YouTube