When Hurts Happen....

Yesterday baby girl come home with a scratch on her eye from another child accidentally scratching her. The whole incident was explained by the daycare and handled well. But I still was upset. First, I wanted to be mad at the daycare or the caregiver or the other child. Then I realized I was mad because I wasn't there to protect my baby.

Isn't that what most parents want to do? To shield their kids from every single hurt and all harm.

But it's not possible. And even if it was, what good would it do for our children?

Even in childhood, they need to learn now to deal with pain and disappointment. This year, there's a girl in my son's 4th grade class who cried every morning at drop off for the first two months. I kept wondering why a 9-year-old child would still be crying over something as mundane as school drop off. That's the kind of behavior you'd expect from a baby. Then, it made me wonder if her parents haven't equipped her to deal with hard situations or painful stuff. Makes me wonder if I'm crippling my children in any way.

My hope for my children is for them to be resilient and able to bounce back. Set backs in life can knock the wind out of you, but you don't have to let them keep you down and I surely hope that's mirrored in our home for these little ones we are raising.

Earlier this month, I had an incident with a co-worker where work I needed wasn't delivered on time because they were dealing with some personal issues. Very weighty personal issues. We all have had them or will have them if we haven't already.  

To see her buckle under the weight of it all and not even be able to perform at a standard she's used to was heartbreaking. Whatever is hurting her is so debilitating that she can't find the strength to fight back and keep her life in motion. 

Now don't get me wrong. We all need a time and place to sit and cry it out or scream it out or whatever the case. We need time to grieve whatever pain we've been through. Then comes the time when you dust yourself off and try again.  You CAN dust yourself off and try again.

While I love my babies, I certainly don't want to cripple them by over-sheltering them to the point where they can't cope when life is hard or something hurts them.  

What are some ways you are helping your kids to be resilient? 

Born In the Middle...And Born To Shine

The summer before kindergarten

Tomorrow this little guy will be a kindergartner. 

I can tell he's excited...and very nervous. 

I'd sort of discounted the nervous part because we've done this before. We'll, I've done this before...with my oldest son. But that's not the same thing.  Then it hit me, how middle kids get lost in the shuffle of been-there-done-that or this-is-the-last-time-I'll-be-doing-this so let me make it special for the youngest. Oldest children get all the awards while the baby of the family gets all the love. What's left for the middle child?

We don't want to do that to him. 

So I'm answering every question with great attention. 

Giving weight to his every single one of his concerns.

The other day he asked, "Will everyone know I'm the little brother?" 

I surely don't want him to get labeled younger brother or middle child. I want his light to shine big and bright. Never do I want his light to be diminished because he's standing in his big brother's shadow.

I told him I'm sure some will students will know who his older brother is. 

"What matters is that you are the best you that you can be," I told him. 

As a younger brother, I know he finds security in seeking approval and guidance from his big brother who's already been there and navigated what can look like scary waters to a five year old.

He's got his own path to ignite.  He has a light in him that cannot and won't be dimmed....not on my watch. He needs to know that he can shine individually.

And I plan to fan his flame as best I can.

Parenting is Not For Punks...Or the Selfish

You never realize how much you love your children until you have to sacrifice for them. Parenting is not for punks...or the selfish.

We sacrifice those pair of shoes because the little people need shoes and uniforms and the list goes on. 

We give up that girls night out because a child is sick. 

Or cut back on some splurges because of tuition and daycare costs. 

That's the situation we found ourselves in last week. Life with 3 kids living in Southern California is expensive. Two kids in private school and a baby in daycare adds up. So we were faced with a hard choice: pulling the boys out of school. The decision made my husband and I sick to our stomachs. The nine-year-old LOVES school. We love the school. The environment is great and the boys have thrived there educationally and spiritually. My eldest is the kid who has cried on the last day of school every year (except for last year--miraculously). School brings him extreme joy. Needless to say, it was not any easy choice.

Picking up the phone to call his school to un-enroll them was like pulling a gray cloud over my own head. When the office assistant asked why I had to tell her we just couldn't afford it anymore with the addition of kid #3.

 "We offer tuition assistance," she said. "Would you like to apply?"

That question was like a little sliver of sunshine. 

"Yes!" 

It was a nerve wracking three days while we waited for the answer. And when the answer came, that gray cloud came back. We didn't get approved for the amount we requested. 

*Sigh* 

However, a second look at the numbers in the budget revealed that we could do it...but not without a sacrifice. Today, the boys tuition was paid and all without them knowing the angst that went along with it.

"Parenting is not for sissies. You have to sacrifice and grow up." - Jillian Michaels

Us and the little people who we joyfully sacrifice for.

It had never crossed my mind to ask about tuition assistance, but it crossed the office assistant's mind to bring it up. Sometimes God drops little surprises across our paths to remind us that He's looking out for us. 

What's Good In My 'Hood...

Three kids = busy. And about four unfinished blog posts. 

Here's a little of what we've been up to. 

Nine year old won a fish at a family fun day at the baby's daycare. Imagine my surprise when I saw him with it. That fish is his responsibility and so far he's stepped up to the plate.

Meet Gubbles.

Baby girl has been a dancing/walking machine lately.  Click the mic in the top  left corner if sound is not playing.

Daddy enrolled the boys in Jiu-Jitsu class since a guy teaches it at his gym. They love it so far.  They're learning self-defense and having fun doing it.

Baby girl caught a wicked cold and the boys were determined not to catch it. 

Baby girl didn't want to stop playing in this circus tent from IKEA so my sister did what any good aunt would do. She bought it. Now we have a big circus tent in our den. 

What's good in your 'hood? 

On Raising A Daughter In the Age of Love and Hip Hop and Basketball Wives....

This little girl of mine always has her eye on me. She watches what I do, how I speak and is starting to imitate things I do. She's studying me intently...even at 13 months old.

Already, I can feel the burden of being a good example to her.  It's a good burden, but not one I take lightly. I want to live it out in a practical way for her.  

In his book, Family First Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family : Dr. Phil McGraw says: "The most powerful role model in any child's life is the same-sex parent. It's a fact that children learn vicariously by observing the behavior of others and noting the consequences of their actions. They watch what happens to family members when they succeed or fail and those experiences become a reference for how they live. This is known as modeling."

I grew up with some great women to model myself after. Women who were awesome wives and mothers. Women who were successful in their careers. Most importantly, women who loved and LIVED Jesus Christ.

They taught me about: 

Holiness.

Purity.

Modesty. 

Biblical womanhood. 

These are not popular topics...even among today's "Christian" women. In fact, if you wholeheartedly believe in and live out these traits you'll likely be labeled legalistic or just old-fashioned. Instead of turning to the Bible as the blueprint for what it means to be a woman, many turn to television, magazines, their friends or where their heart leads them.

A lot of women today are living out womanhood according to Love and Hip Hop Atlanta or Basketball Wives or __________ insert any reality show where the women fight, cuss and are wearing the latest designer clothes while doing it. Many of these shows focus on women's lives where:

Sex and money rule.

Marriage is undervalued. 

Fighting, cussing is the norm.

Career trumps home. 

And if you've seen an episode of any of these shows, you can add your items to the list.

While the world is parading their definition of womanhood in our faces, I want to present biblical womanhood to this little girl of ours as best I can. I want her to know these things:

• According to Genesis 1, a woman was design to be a "helper" which is nothing to look down upon. Today's women look at being a helper as a second-class citizen. Even was not created above or below Adam; she was complementary. She was created from his rib (which is a strong and protective bone) and taken from his side. Adam was given a fitting companion. Eve was "just right" for him. women, we are not The Help i.e. nannies, maids or cooks, we are divinely created and gifted complements to the men we marry. Most women I know don't want to be a helper to a man. They want to be the leader, but that's not how we are created.
• The value of purity, modesty and chastity. These days if you are a virgin until marriage something must be wrong with you and "trying before you buying" is the norm.
• Submission is not a bad word and there are limits to submission (not to submit to abuse or sin).
• The value of inner beauty that lasts forever.
• How to cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit. These days women have abandoned these traits in favor of being brash, argumentative and loud in an effort to be heard and not be viewed as a pushover. They're quick to jump in your face if you cross them wrong and have unteachable spirits. However, having a gentle and quiet spirit does not mean being a wimp. It means we can be confident but not forceful. Outspoken but humble. And slow to speak, communicating Scriptual truth and wisdom.

While this list is counter-cultural, I hope to instill in this little girl, who has been gifted to us, the courage to live life against the grain at times. Of course, I've got a long road ahead of me. I don't want to raise a basketball wife or a lady of love and hip-hop. I don't even want to raise a good girl. I'm shooting for raising a Godly girl. May I not just preach this to her, but be a living example as well.

"Our conduct has a direct influence on how people think about the gospel. The world doesn't judge us by our theology; the world judges us by our behavior. People don't necessarily want to know what we believe about the Bible. They want to see if what we believe makes a difference in our lives. Our actions either bring glory to God or misrepresent His truth."

--Carolyn Mahaney from the book Feminine Appeal

10 Things I Want My Black Boys To Know

As a mom to two little black boys, I face a dilemma moms raising other races will not likely deal with: the realization that no matter how bright and educated my sons grow up to be, some members of society will always see them as a threat. Scary and sad, especially in light of the Trayvon Martin incident.

I'm always aware that I can't help them learn how to walk through this world as a black man...that's something their father and other black men will have to school them on. I hear black women say they can raise black boys into men better than a man. I dare to disagree, but that's a whole 'nother talk show. Lately, I've been finding myself trying to make my boys conscious of the fact that they always need to be aware of their surroundings. As black boys, they will have to develop a sixth sense that many other races don't have to.

While I can't entirely help them navigate the ins and outs of being a man, I can teach them how to be gentlemen. As a mother I do have influence and there are other ways I can shape them.

Here are 10 things I want my boys to learn as they walk through life:

1. Get wisdom! And use it. "Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment."  Proverbs 4:7 (NLT)

2. Avoid adulteress women who flatter and lead to destruction. I want them to learn the difference between an upright woman and loose women who as the Bible says: "have been the ruin of many; Her house is the road to the grave. Her bedroom is the den of death." Sex without strings always has strings attached.

3. Be a gentleman...always. Open doors, offer your seat, pull out chairs, walk curbside. And for the women who adamantly shun such offers, be a gentleman and respect that as well. But at least offer. 

4. Learn to drive a stick shift. You never know when the moment will arise when you will need to. 

5. Watch what you watch. What you entertain with your eyes will continue to play in your head and your heart will follow. 

6. Keep your word. Be honest. No one likes a liar. 

7. Women will judge you by your confidence, shoes and cleanliness. That's just the way the world works. So make sure they are all on point. 

8. Swag is nice, but success is better. My husband always says he doesn't care if the boys are nerds because it's usually the nerdy ones who make it to the top. 

9. You will have to learn to navigate two worlds: a black world and the mainstream world. The earlier you learn this the better.

10. Finding a good wife leads to a double bonus for you (treasure AND favor from God)--so choose wisely. And once you get her, don't you let her go. "The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord." Proverbs 18:22 (NLT) 

If you're mother to a black boy, what would you add to the list? 

Buckling Up For A Fantastic 3rd Ride

It's been an amazing and exhausting first year with baby number 3. I blinked and she's a year old today. I clearly remember labor with her. Very hard. But very much worth it. So looking forward to what the rest of our lives is like with her. 

Below is a video of her fabulous first year. 

(For those of you reading in a feed reader, here's a link if the video doesn't show.) 

Keeper of the Home & Little Hearts

It's the first official week of summer vacation. While I'm happy to get a break from the daily grind that school brings, the boys are happy to get away from the s choolwork. The school year brought with it a steady stream of homework, tests, projects and memory Bible verses. 

Just last week, I told myself I wanted to keep up the scripture memorization for them this summer. But wasn't sure how to incorporate this...until my sweet friend Kelli posted a photo on Instagram this morning. Family scripture memorization. Duh! Why didn't I think of that?

Right now I have them posted on my picture frame turned "hand-made" dry erase board. But I like her idea of putting them on index cards that way I'll have a record of what scriptures we have memorized this summer and be able to review them. 

As a busy mom, it's so easy to get in the rut of being a keeper of the home and make sure they have clean clothes, food to eat and a tidy home, but I have to remember that I'm also a keeper of these little hearts as well. What a disservice to them if I didn't train them in the ways of the Word and left them to decide on when they wanted to learn God's Word. My greatest desire is not to just point the way but to be a living truth of the lessons I'm trying to teach them. 

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 says:

6 “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. 

7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.

 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 

9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

We are to diligently teach the scriptures to our children. Not casually or as an afterthought. That's some hefty stuff right there!  And it's a continual teaching so that the Word won't just be in their mouths, but will transfer to their hearts as well. It's one thing to offer lip service but quite another for that Word to be rooted and settled in you.

In the Message Bible Psalm 119:11 says: "I’ve banked your promises in the vault of my heart so I won’t sin myself bankrupt." I've seen far too many people sin themselves bankrupt because they weren't well-versed in the Word and weren't equipped to fight temptation. The more Word they have stored up, the more ammunition they have to pull from to battle the enemy of their soul.

So we are starting the summer off with an awesome promise from God's Word. I'm praying they claim it for their future families and generations to come as well. 

Got any tips? I'd love to hear them. 

Building Prayer Warriors

“Prayer is more than a wish; it is the voice of faith directed to God.” ~Billy Graham

Bedtime usually consist of the boys wrestling, arguing, asking for snacks and water or just trying to avoid bedtime. So imagine my surprise when I walked in on my two boys kneeling in prayer the other night. And praying together...with no yelling or fussing. Talk about a happy heart!

It's my heart's desire that they learn how to be prayer warriors early. Not only for themselves but everyone they encounter. I'm always reminding them that one day they'll be heads of households and leading prayer will be one of their greatest weapons.

I grew up in church but never really grasped the power of prayer until I was an adult. I surely don't want them to have to wait that long.  So here's what I'm doing to help train them in the ways of prayer.

•  Be The Example

Children learn what they live. So instead of just telling them to pray. I do my best to pray for them and with them so they can hear me pray and see me laying hands on them. Every morning, I pray over them for protection and that they'll do their best. How else will they know to do this if they never see it?

• Talk To God About Everything

Whenever the boys see a problem, have a need, concern or worry, I urge them to go to God in prayer about it. Prayer is not just for bedtime and mealtime. I want them to know that we need to go to God on behalf of others because intercession is a powerful tool. I think I'm going to pull out a map and have them start praying for other nations as well so they'll see that there are wants and needs outside of themselves. 

• Educate and Train

It's not enough for them to just see me pray. Learning about prayer warriors in God's Word is crucial as well. And teaching them how to pray God's Word is of utmost importance and one that I'm going to focus on more this summer.  I also want them to respect prayer in general. For example, when someone is praying, we don't talk while they're praying; we don't walk in church while prayer is happening and we kneel to pray when needed, we can raise our hands during prayer if we feel led.

I'm also working on teaching them different kinds of prayers and that prayer is a grocery list of wants. We have been going over the elements of prayers using the ACTS acronym:

• Adoration: Praising God for who is and what he has done!
• Confession: Telling God about the wrong things we have done and asking for his forgiveness.
• Thanksgiving: Thanking God for all he has done for us.
• Supplication: Asking for things for ourselves and others.

God is raising up young prayer warriors and I want these two little boys to be well-versed in how to fight on their knees.

What's been the best piece of advice you've been given regarding prayer?