How My Bad Sight Had Led To Increased Vision

I'm still a little heartbroken.

An eye exam from a few months ago revealed that I need bifocals. BIFOCALS? I thought they were for elderly people on canes. Thankfully, I have a husband who rescued me from having to actually wear bifocals with the little magnifying boxes on each lens and paid the extra for me to get progressive lenses. 

My eye doctor said I was showing the classic signs of needing them: taking off my glasses to read items up close or small print. Ugh. I'm way too young for bifocals. Plus, how can that make sense when my regular prescription is actually a tad too strong for my nearsighted eyes now?

Sportin' my bifocals

So I'm now sporting progressive lenses. The eye doctor said the older I get the worse my near vision is while my long range vision is slightly more clear. Turns out some people who have myopia (nearsightedness) see their eyesight improve naturally with age.

 The older I get the worse my near vision is while my long range vision is slightly more clear.

In my 20s, all I cared about was my "near vision" what was happening in the here and now. I wasn't concerned with the future so much. It was about hanging out with friends. Traveling. Buying clothes. Enjoying the moment. Having fun.

I tried to remember the last time I thought like that. Truly, it's been a while. My concern these days is the bigger picture and long range such as: the legacy I'm leaving my children,  preparing these little lives for life outside of the nest and working on nailing down a secure future.

Funny how things change when you're in a different decade of your life.  I have to chuckle at the 20-something girl I once was. So care-free. Nothing wrong with that at all. But that attitude towards life doesn't work now that I'm a mom of three.

I need to help cast a vision for our little family. I need to have eyes of faith that see that which doesn't exist in the physical realm. I need to be able to see who my children are and raise them according to their natural strengths.  

While I can't always see the small print that the kids shove in front of my face to read, I can see that: 

my oldest has a sensitive and tender heart towards the things of God and that I shouldn't quench that in him. 

my second son is a carefree spirit who resists being put in a box and I have to learn how to not suppress that while also giving him boundaries. 

my baby girl is strong and sure and confident in what she wants...already. 

I hope that as I get older my long-range vision continues to sharpen.  And that I'll be prayerful and proactive in guiding these little lives and covering them in prayer.

Seasons....and Falling Behind...and Being Right on Schedule

Lately, I've been discovering that more and more of my friends are now becoming grandparents.

Crazy...especially since I don't think we are old enough to even be grandparents but also because all of my kids are younger than 10 years old and my youngest is 15 months. It's going to be a good little while before I'm a grandparent. 

Sometimes I look at my friends' stage of life and think: I'm way behind schedule. 

And then I look at my life and everything starts to feel late. 

I'm behind on my cleaning schedule.  

Behind at work.

Behind on teaching the 5 year old to tie his shoe. 

Late on getting the baby dedicated at church. 

Seems like I'm just behind on dang near everything.

Then I think about my post-high school years and my 20s. I was nowhere near ready for a child in my teens or even my 20s for that matter. I'd planned my life out. College at Howard University straight out of high school to get my journalism degree. While some of the people I know were getting married in their early 20s, I was moving to Los Angeles and enjoying living single and traveling and meeting new people and just being a young adult.

Interesting how back then I never thought I was off schedule. 

So why do I think that now? 

Perhaps I've forgotten about seasons. And that we all have our own appointed ones.

Psalm 1:3 "He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water,

That brings forth its fruit in ITS season,

Whose leaf also shall not wither;  And whatever he does shall prosper."

Every tree brings forth fruit in its own season. We don't expect peaches to be plentiful in winter because it's a summer fruit. We know this and wait patiently until summer when peaches are ripe, juicy and sweet. Different kinds of fruits ripen at different times of the year. 

So it is with our lives. While some are planting, others are flourishing. That's just the way life goes.  Even when it's not our season to bear fruit, we can rest assured that our leaf will not wither.

It's so easy to feel like we are withered up when fruit isn't hanging heavy from our limbs. But when we are planted by living waters, we are always being sustained and fed. Work is always being done....sometimes it's just underground.  

I'm taking comfort that seeds in my life are being nurtured underground right now and are taking root--even in the midst of what looks like unfruitfulness. 

"You’re blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God. " Psalm 119:1 

I'm going to stay the course, despite feeling behind. 

It's often when we feel of course and fruitless that we are right on schedule. 

"To see things in the seed, that is genius." -Lao Tzu 

That Time My Husband Had A Gun Held To His Head..

This is the little boy who grew up to be the man I married.

After 12 years of marriage and 16 years of knowing him, there is still lots about this man that I don’t know.

Just this week, I found out about the time he when he was 13 years old and got a gun held to his head by a grown man.

How could I not know this piece of information about the father of my children?

We all have parts of our lives that make up who we are and color how we react to those we are in relationship with. There are also pockets of our experience that rarely see the day of light but play a huge part in our interaction with people

Rewind back to 1981. Long Beach, California: where my husband was born and bred.

He was a junior high school student who happened upon an exchange between a new girl at school and a male student. The male student came up from behind and hit her in the back of the head. Her reaction to this unprovoked attacked was to cover her head and cower. My husband saw this and punched the much larger student and a scuffle ensued. Later, the student tracked him down with two friends and pummeled him in the back of a classroom—all while a teacher was in the class. He says he came to her rescue because he saw that she needed help. He even offered to walk her home to ensure her further safety. He says he wasn’t doing it to win her affection, but simply to help a new student as he had been the new student many times over. As he walked her home, they got egged by angry white boys yelling out "nigger lover."

Grateful for his help, the girl (who was white) invited him over for dinner as a kind gesture. He reluctantly accepted. When he arrived for dinner, he could see that the girl’s parents had no idea he was black. Dinner skipped along nicely, until it was over. That’s when the father asked the girl to help her mother clean up in the kitchen.

That’s when my husband says he felt steel on his temple. With a gun pressed to my husband’s head, the dad leaned in close and said, “Don’t come around my daughter ever again.” The father then told my husband to get up and leave the house. When he got back to school, the girl didn’t exist to him anymore—even when her friends came up to him and said he was wrong for “dissing” her after she extended an invitation to her home. My husband never spoke of what happened and the girl moved away shortly after that.

I could hardly believe that a grown man would do something like this to a child. My husband was 13 years old. Just a boy. Did the father know what deep scars he’d etched onto the soul of my husband and how that would play out in his life? Was he just trying to scare him off from his daughter or all white women? Did he even care that more than three decades later, this is something the little boy inside would still carry in pain?

"The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

That man’s words and actions still pierce like a sword.

Just a day before he told me about this incident, a family member called and shared with me how she’d been told that we’d verbally scarred another family member when we were children. I was not only shocked to hear that we’d both hurt another family member—but it was so deep that they are still wary when in our company—even after all these years. Sometimes we scar others willfully and sometimes unintentionally.

We are all broken people living in a broken world. We’ve all inflicted hurt and been hurt. It’s part of living. Some scars we carry bring back a laugh—like the time I was seven years old and my cousin threw a rock through a tree hitting me square in the forehead. There was blood all over my face and he lied and said a group of kids had done it. We laugh about it now and I still have a small scar on my hairline from where the rock knicked me.

"I think scars are like battle wounds - beautiful, in a way. They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it." - Demi Lovato

We scar and are scarred. We hold guns to other's heads and hearts with our words and actions. Yet we still survive. Thank God for the built in resilience that rises to the surface.

 I’m sure they’ll be a host of other things I’ll discover about my husband as the years roll on. He'll reveal more scars and bruises that I never knew existed. In the meantime, I'll celebrate the fact that he's come through to the other side. That I've come through and that eventually some of these scars will become strengths.

"So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." I Peter 5:10

Every Suffering Can Be Blessed...

Grief is a crazy thing. 

It creeps up out of nowhere and takes a hold of you when you thought you had a handle on it. It's like a wild animal. Unpredictable. Untamed. 

As I write this it’s been exactly 3 years, 10 months, and 4 days since my father passed away. 

1,404 days.

200 weeks and 4 days.

33,696 hours.

2,021,760 minutes.

However I count it up, it feels like a lifetime ago.

But some days it feels like just yesterday. 

A 1970s era photo of me and my Daddy. 

The other day I thought of him and felt tears starting to build up. The simple truth is I'm just a little girl missing her daddy. And I got angry that he's not here to see his grandchildren grow up. Mad that he never got to meet his granddaughter. He would have loved her. He was a big baby lover and loved being Papi. I was upset that I can't pick up the phone and chat with him about everything and nothing. 

Last night I walked in the boys’ room at bedtime and my oldest son was looking at a photo of he and my dad. He said he’d had a dream about him the night before. He was six years old when my father died, but his memories stretch beyond the six years they spent together.

And then the five year old said, “Papi never got to hear my words. The words I have now.” He was only a year and a half when my dad left.

Sigh.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. ” Matthew 5:4 

“Every suffering can be blessed because it hollows out a place in us for God and his comfort, which is infinite joy.” -Peter Kreeft, Back to Virtue

While I miss my father immensely, that hollowed out place is no longer tender. I handed over the pain, and God in turn carefully bandaged it up and healed it.

This counts for every hurt we face: loss of a relationship, brokenness over the past, sorrow over our sin and painful regrets.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

While my broken heart is mended and my wound has shed its bandages, there will always be a part of me that misses my father. Always. But the hollowed out place of losing him is now filled with precious memories. God is just good like that.

And I can now use my healing to help someone else. 

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Might there be a big loss in your life today? One that makes your eyes well up with tears when you think about it? Don’t allow grief and pain to wallow there. Instead, give it up to God and let him bless the empty space like only He can.

Every suffering can indeed be blessed. 

Finding Ourselves In Dangerous (and Ridiculous) Places

This little baby is 14 months old. But the way she climbs on, under and into everything imaginable you’d think she was 4 years old or 14 years old. We are constantly finding her standing on top of chairs,  step stools without holding on, slipping herself behind the TV where the cords and plugs are, pulling on things from the counters or tables and we are forever pulling her away from electrical outlets or from inside some cramped box and other dangerous and ridiculous situations.

The house has been baby-proofed and we are vigilant about keeping an eye on her but all it takes is one second and she slips into a precarious situation. I know she doesn’t understand the danger she’s putting herself in. To her, she’s simply exploring but for us we know she could end up bruised or with broken bones.

Sometimes I shake my head when I realize how many times I have to remove this baby from yet another dangerous situation. I wonder whose DNA she has that makes her end up headlong in yet another predicament.

The other night, I put up a barricade to keep her from behind the television that she managed to get through. And I was beyond frustrated.

And just like the Holy Spirit always does, He whispered gently: “You’ve ended up in some dangerous places yourself too. Don’t get too frustrated with her.”

I have to admit. I’ve ended up in some forbidden places in the blink of an eye. 

Not the ones you may be thinking of. 

I’ve not been in some other man’s bed or arms. I haven’t been seen somewhere that I wouldn’t want to be seen.

Instead my heart has been known to wander into the wilderness that God has warned be about time and time before

Lately, it's been the wilderness of worry. And I know full well, I don't belong there. The Bible warns: “Anxiety weighs down the heart.” Plus, we've been given a promise that God will always take care of us so worry is useless. Time and again, He's taken care of me--even as I worried.

There are quite a few other places that are just as dangerous that I've found myself in times past and some more recently than I care to admit:

Jealousy/Envy

I know no one reading deals with this one. But I admit I stumble into this forbidden territory far too often. The only way to kick this habit that I’ve found is to admit it to the Lord, ask Him to forgive, and then pray that He would help me to see my life from His perspective. Proverbs 27:4 says:  "Anger is cruel, and wrath is like a flood, but jealousy is even more dangerous."

Unforgiveness

This is a hard one. I don't know how many times I've cloaked forgiveness with avoidance or mock forgiveness (I can smile and nod at your like I've forgiven you but my heart says otherwise.) I avoid the person saying I'm protecting myself when I'm really just walking in unforgiveness. I recently read an excellent book on the topic: Unconditional by Brian Zahnd There really is a beauty and freedom in forgiveness that few talk or teach about.

Compromise

Who hasn't been there? I think of all the times I've compromised by beliefs because of silly reasons: they'll think I'm too holy, it's not that big of a deal, I'm scared to stand firmly on what I believe. The scary party about that is that when we keep riding that slippery slope of compromise eventually the slope runs out and there is no more sacrifice for sin. "Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice that will cover these sins." Scary and dangerous. 

Pride

This is a tricky one. Pride is a chameleon that often masks itself. We often say we are doing something for one reason, but God knows the true motive. It can reveal itself in a myriad of ways:

1.  Acting independently of God. (Gen. 3:6) 
2. Being self-sufficient (I Samuel 2:3)
3. Lack of prayer (I Samuel 12:23)
4. Lying lips and cursing (Psalm 31:18)
5. Violent behavior (Psalm 73:6)
6. Patting oneself on the back when God should get the glory (Daniel 4:28-30)
7. Boasting about the future (Isaiah 16:6)
8. Determining the importance of a person based on outward appearance (II Corinthians 5:12)
9. Praising oneself to others or subtly soliciting praise (Proverbs 27:2)
10. Judgmental, critical, unforgiving spirit (Matthew 7:1-5)
11. Biblical knowledge that lacks biblical love (I Corinthians 8:1)
12. Spiritual adultery i.e. worldliness (James 4:4-10)

I’ve lived out a number of these sadly. The older I get the less I desire to live life on the edge. These days it’s all about living in the center of God’s will. So the next time I have to pull this little girl from some dangerous or crazy situation, I’ll use it as reminder that my heart has often been in the same predicament.

Daddies, Be Good To Your Daughers

Chrysta and Christopher. 

I love the relationship that is developing between these two. She's so different with him than she is with me. She's daddy's little girl.

Already I'm seeing so much of him in her. Her persistence. Her fight. Her sense of humor. Her intelligence. I pray that what is developing between them grows bigger and brighter. Most importantly, I hope there is never a breach in their relationship. 

I know all too well the daddy-daughter breach. I had one with my dad. I wrote about it here.  And while God mended what was broken, I know there was some internal damage I suffered because of it. I never want that for this little girl. 

In her book, After Forever Ends Melodie Ramone wrote “I had a daddy, didn't I? He wasn't perfect and he certainly wasn't the one I'd dreamed he would have been, but I had one all the same. And I'd love him as much as I'd hated him, hadn't I? All that distance, all that time wasted, but the fact that he'd inspired such passion in me meant something in itself. I can honestly say now that I think that's special. Screwed up and turned inside out, we were special him and me, and I am so thankful that I can say that I had a daddy and that he mattered. All his faults and failures mean nothing to me now.” 

I could have written that paragraph. As imperfect as my daddy was, his mess-ups mean nothing now. However, his love meant (and still means) everything to me. Love truly covers a multitude of sins.

Girls need their daddies...and more than most women care to admit. It's from our daddies that we learn how to appreciate our beauty (inside & out) without throwing it in people's faces because beauty has already been affirmed by our daddies. With daddies we learn to navigate the mysterious waters of masculinity. Girls draw conclusions about what men are like from their fathers.  It's with daddies that we learn that self worth comes from being ourselves instead of what we can offer. It's from our daddies that us daughters learn what protection looks and feels like.    

My husband is by no means a perfect man. But I know that his love for our daughter will always be perfect and I pray that she knows this...and learns to rest in this truth.

"So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do."

-from John Mayer's song "Daughters" 

Parenting is Not For Punks...Or the Selfish

You never realize how much you love your children until you have to sacrifice for them. Parenting is not for punks...or the selfish.

We sacrifice those pair of shoes because the little people need shoes and uniforms and the list goes on. 

We give up that girls night out because a child is sick. 

Or cut back on some splurges because of tuition and daycare costs. 

That's the situation we found ourselves in last week. Life with 3 kids living in Southern California is expensive. Two kids in private school and a baby in daycare adds up. So we were faced with a hard choice: pulling the boys out of school. The decision made my husband and I sick to our stomachs. The nine-year-old LOVES school. We love the school. The environment is great and the boys have thrived there educationally and spiritually. My eldest is the kid who has cried on the last day of school every year (except for last year--miraculously). School brings him extreme joy. Needless to say, it was not any easy choice.

Picking up the phone to call his school to un-enroll them was like pulling a gray cloud over my own head. When the office assistant asked why I had to tell her we just couldn't afford it anymore with the addition of kid #3.

 "We offer tuition assistance," she said. "Would you like to apply?"

That question was like a little sliver of sunshine. 

"Yes!" 

It was a nerve wracking three days while we waited for the answer. And when the answer came, that gray cloud came back. We didn't get approved for the amount we requested. 

*Sigh* 

However, a second look at the numbers in the budget revealed that we could do it...but not without a sacrifice. Today, the boys tuition was paid and all without them knowing the angst that went along with it.

"Parenting is not for sissies. You have to sacrifice and grow up." - Jillian Michaels

Us and the little people who we joyfully sacrifice for.

It had never crossed my mind to ask about tuition assistance, but it crossed the office assistant's mind to bring it up. Sometimes God drops little surprises across our paths to remind us that He's looking out for us. 

On Raising A Daughter In the Age of Love and Hip Hop and Basketball Wives....

This little girl of mine always has her eye on me. She watches what I do, how I speak and is starting to imitate things I do. She's studying me intently...even at 13 months old.

Already, I can feel the burden of being a good example to her.  It's a good burden, but not one I take lightly. I want to live it out in a practical way for her.  

In his book, Family First Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family : Dr. Phil McGraw says: "The most powerful role model in any child's life is the same-sex parent. It's a fact that children learn vicariously by observing the behavior of others and noting the consequences of their actions. They watch what happens to family members when they succeed or fail and those experiences become a reference for how they live. This is known as modeling."

I grew up with some great women to model myself after. Women who were awesome wives and mothers. Women who were successful in their careers. Most importantly, women who loved and LIVED Jesus Christ.

They taught me about: 

Holiness.

Purity.

Modesty. 

Biblical womanhood. 

These are not popular topics...even among today's "Christian" women. In fact, if you wholeheartedly believe in and live out these traits you'll likely be labeled legalistic or just old-fashioned. Instead of turning to the Bible as the blueprint for what it means to be a woman, many turn to television, magazines, their friends or where their heart leads them.

A lot of women today are living out womanhood according to Love and Hip Hop Atlanta or Basketball Wives or __________ insert any reality show where the women fight, cuss and are wearing the latest designer clothes while doing it. Many of these shows focus on women's lives where:

Sex and money rule.

Marriage is undervalued. 

Fighting, cussing is the norm.

Career trumps home. 

And if you've seen an episode of any of these shows, you can add your items to the list.

While the world is parading their definition of womanhood in our faces, I want to present biblical womanhood to this little girl of ours as best I can. I want her to know these things:

• According to Genesis 1, a woman was design to be a "helper" which is nothing to look down upon. Today's women look at being a helper as a second-class citizen. Even was not created above or below Adam; she was complementary. She was created from his rib (which is a strong and protective bone) and taken from his side. Adam was given a fitting companion. Eve was "just right" for him. women, we are not The Help i.e. nannies, maids or cooks, we are divinely created and gifted complements to the men we marry. Most women I know don't want to be a helper to a man. They want to be the leader, but that's not how we are created.
• The value of purity, modesty and chastity. These days if you are a virgin until marriage something must be wrong with you and "trying before you buying" is the norm.
• Submission is not a bad word and there are limits to submission (not to submit to abuse or sin).
• The value of inner beauty that lasts forever.
• How to cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit. These days women have abandoned these traits in favor of being brash, argumentative and loud in an effort to be heard and not be viewed as a pushover. They're quick to jump in your face if you cross them wrong and have unteachable spirits. However, having a gentle and quiet spirit does not mean being a wimp. It means we can be confident but not forceful. Outspoken but humble. And slow to speak, communicating Scriptual truth and wisdom.

While this list is counter-cultural, I hope to instill in this little girl, who has been gifted to us, the courage to live life against the grain at times. Of course, I've got a long road ahead of me. I don't want to raise a basketball wife or a lady of love and hip-hop. I don't even want to raise a good girl. I'm shooting for raising a Godly girl. May I not just preach this to her, but be a living example as well.

"Our conduct has a direct influence on how people think about the gospel. The world doesn't judge us by our theology; the world judges us by our behavior. People don't necessarily want to know what we believe about the Bible. They want to see if what we believe makes a difference in our lives. Our actions either bring glory to God or misrepresent His truth."

--Carolyn Mahaney from the book Feminine Appeal

Tuning Out To Tune In...

"Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune."
- Carl Jung

Most mothers can attest to the fact that we are born with a sixth sense: the ability to distinguish our child's cry among a room of screaming children.

I can be in the den which is clear on the other side of the house and still hear one of the kid's whimper in their bedroom. I can wake out of the deepest sleep when I hear one of them moaning or crying. It's just how I'm built as a mother.

It never surprises the kids when I'm there as soon as they cry. They expect it. And even when they don't expect it they take comfort in knowing that even their quietest moan was heard and acknowledged.

The same with God. I shouldn't be surprised that He hears my cries for help. His ear is made for such things.

What I've discovered is that my ear for hearing God is not always so developed. I must train my ear to hear the voice of God.

Lately my "ears" have been full of Twitter, Instagram, Vine, blogs and podcasts. With all that noise it's easy for the voice of The Lord to get drowned out. Can't keep asking God to speak when I'm not listening...or when I keep burying His voice beneath a pile of others.

So I'm taking a bit of a social media fast.

Maybe for you it's not social media but the voices of others. We can be quick to look to people for guidance or just their opinion on a matter when the only thing that matters is what comes from God.

Or maybe you need to close a few books. Reading is good and beneficial but can easily become a replacement for seeking a word from The Lord.

It's so easy for our spiritual ear to get out of tune when the world sings/talks/blasts such a loud (and catchy) tune.  

So I'm turning down the volume on this world so I can hear that sweet voice of God:

"And your ears will hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way; walk in it, when you turn to the right hand and when you turn to the left."(Isaiah 30:21 NKJV)